I’m not adopted, and for most of my life, I never gave much thought to what adoption truly meant—for those who live it, breathe it, survive it. That changed the moment I discovered the work of Barbara Sumner. Her writing didn’t just open a door—it cracked open a world I had never seen, and once I stepped into it, I couldn’t turn away.
Every time I read Barbara’s words, I’m moved to tears. She doesn't just tell stories—she peels back the layers of silence, shame, and loss that surround adoption, layer after devastating layer. Each time I think, Now I understand!, I read more—and cry more. And with every new piece, I learn something deeper, something more painful, something more human. I feel heartbreak, I feel outrage at the injustices hidden beneath polite silence, and I feel grief for the lives affected by systems so often stacked against the vulnerable.
But here’s the thing: I don’t feel powerless. Because Barbara Sumner is not just a writer—she’s a warrior. A truth-teller. A relentless advocate for those whose voices have been ignored, erased, or rewritten. Her courage to speak the unspeakable and fight the unfixable makes space for others to rise. She doesn't just expose the pain—she transforms it into power.
Barbara empowers me. Her words don’t simply inform; they awaken. They challenge me to think, to care, to act. And even though I am not adopted, her work has changed the way I see the world—and the people in it. That, to me, is the mark of a rare and essential writer. I will never look at a biography the same way.
I've never questioned why I have avoided biographies before, and now it makes perfect sense ! thanks Barbara! Memoir/life writing is different - I choose works like jeanette wintersons 'why be happy when you could be normal' or writers that are dealing with identity or place in society issues, because how could I possibly relate to a happy linear narrative. interestingly with family heirlooms- when my adopting mother passed away i felt like i had to give any of her possessions to members of her family as some how my failure as a 'daughter' made me not worthy to have them. Shudder !
Loved why be normal, love her writing. Similar style-ish - have you read Anne heffron’s ‘you don’t look adopted’ ? And am homes’ ‘the mistress’s daughter’ ?
Oh I was recommending to Melinda 👍🏻. I’ve just finished your wonderful memoir Barbara and loved it, thank you 🙏🏻 I’m really enjoying all your writing 😁
I grew up loving words, language and writing, can’t claim any great ability but I enjoyed the words and act of writing. But I ascribed this to an inheritance from my bm and the only fact I knew about her, that she was a journalist. I was very much encouraged with the words and writing by adoptive father who shared with me his love of reading, Shakespeare, and poetry. I’ve recently learned that bf, who died before I found him, was passionate about theatre, and his dad ran a bookshop !
Very much appreciate this work. As a ' not-good adoptee I know the flip side of the pretend-im-a-real-daughter. The owners tried slow death and mental cancellation by aged 11. If I had a dollar for every person's look when I say I was adopted I'd actually have a house and a dog.
Genetic amnesia! I was just thinking today that even though I have found my families I still don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I also realize I’ve been leaving off the last G in FOGG! Thank you for this!
Oh yes, the FOGG, our constant companion. Even those of us engaging with the structures and purpose of adoption, who understand the history of human trafficking and how it interacts with human adoption, can get lost in it.
Fear: of rejection, abandonment, or emotional withdrawal if they speak the truth about their experience.
Obligation: to be loyal, grateful, or silent, even when harmed or erased by the system.
Guilt: for causing pain by seeking birth family, expressing grief, or acknowledging trauma.
Gratitude: for being "chosen," which is weaponised to suppress criticism or complexity.
Thank you for this beautiful writing. It’s how I used to feel when I watched “Finding Your Roots”. I would still watch and cry as the famous people on screen had the privilege of understanding their genealogy. Once I found my people, I can now watch it without crying.
For years, I was chronically uncomfortable in the world, so even watching Antiques Roadshow was an ordeal. I could never understand why that show made me cry. Until I read an opinion piece in The New York Times that describes people bringing items they found in their parents’ attics. The author states that the story behind each object usually “winds through a family lineage:
‘It’s estimated that more than 90 per cent of people who come to the show end up keeping their objects, which he sees as proof that the animating spirit of the show is not capitalism but rather ‘the sanctity of stories, family, empathy’”.
The author posited that while people may be disappointed with the price, they are happy to realise that their connection to a family item is more important than whatever money it could fetch.
Despite the pervasiveness of the idea, there is almost no equivalence between the adoptological family and the biological family.
So interesting. I have watched that show as well and it didn’t upset me. But I love that people kept their items. They had that inherent connection to the past that adoptees can only imagine.
How true - in particular I recognise the "immorality" of the first mother and the "absolution" of the first father. But I also hear the gaslighting of the adoptive daughter (you). We have to change this.
I’m not adopted, and for most of my life, I never gave much thought to what adoption truly meant—for those who live it, breathe it, survive it. That changed the moment I discovered the work of Barbara Sumner. Her writing didn’t just open a door—it cracked open a world I had never seen, and once I stepped into it, I couldn’t turn away.
Every time I read Barbara’s words, I’m moved to tears. She doesn't just tell stories—she peels back the layers of silence, shame, and loss that surround adoption, layer after devastating layer. Each time I think, Now I understand!, I read more—and cry more. And with every new piece, I learn something deeper, something more painful, something more human. I feel heartbreak, I feel outrage at the injustices hidden beneath polite silence, and I feel grief for the lives affected by systems so often stacked against the vulnerable.
But here’s the thing: I don’t feel powerless. Because Barbara Sumner is not just a writer—she’s a warrior. A truth-teller. A relentless advocate for those whose voices have been ignored, erased, or rewritten. Her courage to speak the unspeakable and fight the unfixable makes space for others to rise. She doesn't just expose the pain—she transforms it into power.
Barbara empowers me. Her words don’t simply inform; they awaken. They challenge me to think, to care, to act. And even though I am not adopted, her work has changed the way I see the world—and the people in it. That, to me, is the mark of a rare and essential writer. I will never look at a biography the same way.
Wow ! What an incredibly validating, considered and powerful response. Very much appreciated by this adoptee too. Thank you, ally !
Nor an adopted person the same again either I suspect.
:)
Nor an adopted person the same again either I suspect.
There is so much empathy and parallel’s when reading the raw heartfelt emotions of the adoptee.
What comes across in this article, is the profound loss, this loss fluid, eternal.
Every day it rear’s its ugly head, in some way, hitting you, that of never belonging,
Leaves you plumbing the depths, a life seared to the marrow from adoption anguish/angst.
Never belonging.
It breaks my heart to read the depth, unfathomable depths of such loss and pain.
Thank you for bringing truthful heartfelt exposure,
to the adoptee’s life of triggers traumas.
Wake up world,
the clarion cry, from all seared by adoption.
Adoption is loss,
Adoption is grief,
a bottomless abyss of sorrow.
To me, a living bereavement.
((((((( warmest hugs ))))))
I've never questioned why I have avoided biographies before, and now it makes perfect sense ! thanks Barbara! Memoir/life writing is different - I choose works like jeanette wintersons 'why be happy when you could be normal' or writers that are dealing with identity or place in society issues, because how could I possibly relate to a happy linear narrative. interestingly with family heirlooms- when my adopting mother passed away i felt like i had to give any of her possessions to members of her family as some how my failure as a 'daughter' made me not worthy to have them. Shudder !
Loved why be normal, love her writing. Similar style-ish - have you read Anne heffron’s ‘you don’t look adopted’ ? And am homes’ ‘the mistress’s daughter’ ?
I have read both. I wonder if adopted people are good writers because we spend so much time in the realm of fantasy
Oh I was recommending to Melinda 👍🏻. I’ve just finished your wonderful memoir Barbara and loved it, thank you 🙏🏻 I’m really enjoying all your writing 😁
Thank you so much. Tree of Strangers was the writing that opened up all the other possibilities.
I grew up loving words, language and writing, can’t claim any great ability but I enjoyed the words and act of writing. But I ascribed this to an inheritance from my bm and the only fact I knew about her, that she was a journalist. I was very much encouraged with the words and writing by adoptive father who shared with me his love of reading, Shakespeare, and poetry. I’ve recently learned that bf, who died before I found him, was passionate about theatre, and his dad ran a bookshop !
Those family echoes. I think we all have many. Finding those threads is a lifelong effort. My sister, Kimberley Leston, died before we could meet. We had so much in common. https://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/obituary-kimberley-leston-1572981.html
Lisa no i havent - but thank you will be looking forward to reading them!
Very much appreciate this work. As a ' not-good adoptee I know the flip side of the pretend-im-a-real-daughter. The owners tried slow death and mental cancellation by aged 11. If I had a dollar for every person's look when I say I was adopted I'd actually have a house and a dog.
Genetic amnesia! I was just thinking today that even though I have found my families I still don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I also realize I’ve been leaving off the last G in FOGG! Thank you for this!
Oh yes, the FOGG, our constant companion. Even those of us engaging with the structures and purpose of adoption, who understand the history of human trafficking and how it interacts with human adoption, can get lost in it.
Fear: of rejection, abandonment, or emotional withdrawal if they speak the truth about their experience.
Obligation: to be loyal, grateful, or silent, even when harmed or erased by the system.
Guilt: for causing pain by seeking birth family, expressing grief, or acknowledging trauma.
Gratitude: for being "chosen," which is weaponised to suppress criticism or complexity.
Yep! I’ve got them all!
Thank you for this beautiful writing. It’s how I used to feel when I watched “Finding Your Roots”. I would still watch and cry as the famous people on screen had the privilege of understanding their genealogy. Once I found my people, I can now watch it without crying.
Thank you, Lynn,
For years, I was chronically uncomfortable in the world, so even watching Antiques Roadshow was an ordeal. I could never understand why that show made me cry. Until I read an opinion piece in The New York Times that describes people bringing items they found in their parents’ attics. The author states that the story behind each object usually “winds through a family lineage:
‘It’s estimated that more than 90 per cent of people who come to the show end up keeping their objects, which he sees as proof that the animating spirit of the show is not capitalism but rather ‘the sanctity of stories, family, empathy’”.
The author posited that while people may be disappointed with the price, they are happy to realise that their connection to a family item is more important than whatever money it could fetch.
Despite the pervasiveness of the idea, there is almost no equivalence between the adoptological family and the biological family.
So interesting. I have watched that show as well and it didn’t upset me. But I love that people kept their items. They had that inherent connection to the past that adoptees can only imagine.
How true - in particular I recognise the "immorality" of the first mother and the "absolution" of the first father. But I also hear the gaslighting of the adoptive daughter (you). We have to change this.