They are still very much the norm in New Zealand, too. It is almost impossible to gain access to your adoption records. All that is available is a (so-called) original birth certificate with your mother's name. But even that is not right, as mothers can veto their names.
I’m lucky to be in UK and allowed access to records, though it’s not always made easy for people. Closed records just creates extra layers of unnecessary suffering. Even more ridiculous now we can use dna.
"I always considered my relationship with my adopters changed the evening I told them I had found my mother and how she was killed on her way to meet me. My adoptive father grabbed my only photo of her, tore it in half and threw it across the room. “There is your mother,” he said, pointing to his wife."
Barbara, I've been reading a few of your articles at a time and keep coming back to this section. Are you saying that you found your mother and that she got killed on her way to meet you? I mean I'm reading that but it's placed within the context of the article so matter-of-fact that I am flabbergasted by it. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
And your adoptive father's reaction, omg! I'm sorry that you never met your mom, you were so close. Were you ever able to find another photo of her? I'm heartbroken for you. I know many parent/children don't end up reaching one another at all but you were so close.
Hi there, yes, sadly, I am saying that. She was killed in a plane crash while on her way. My two half-sisters lost their mother that day. I am so blessed to have them both in my life. I wrote about it all in Tree of Strangers. https://www.barbarasumner.nz/tree-of-strangers-book Thank you so much for your kind words. (I hope you keep following this Substack. I thought I might have 12 months' worth of columns in me, but it seems I have a great deal more. I'm finding it very cathartic.
The matter-of-fact comment you made is interesting. I wonder if other adopted people do this—take those huge things that happen to us and process them as if they are normal. (I am told I do this too often) Is this because society normalises the rupture that defines our lives? The lifelong grief so many of us feel is not acknowledged, and so we also minimise it within ourselves.
I totally do this too, like preemptively shrugging off any expression of sympathy. And I’ve felt so annoyed when therapists praised my ‘resilience’ after all the things, which I’m just downplaying.
As someone who was adopted at 9 months old - after being relinquished at just a week old, along with my identical twin brother - I often feel the dominant narrative around adoption misses something essential. Adoption is frequently framed as an "act of love," but I believe we need a broader, more nuanced acknowledgment of what adoption truly involves.
At its core, adoption begins with loss. It's the only life-altering experience so often cloaked in positive language without naming the reality: relinquishment. And for those of us who were relinquished as infants, especially pre-verbal, this isn't just an emotional experience - it’s a somatic and neurological one. It’s a rupture of the most primal bond.
This early separation, especially in the absence of co-regulation or continuity of care, can lead to what many adoptees experience as a form of developmental trauma - what is now more widely understood as Complex PTSD. The term “primal wound” captures this deep, pre-verbal grief and disconnection that many adoptees carry through their lives, often unacknowledged by those around them.
None of this is to diminish the love that may exist in adoptive families, but rather to ask for space to hold both truths: love can be present, and so can deep, unresolved trauma. We do adoptees a disservice when we only tell one side of the story.
Very well written, thank you. Awful stuff. No doubt the same attitudes today in places where closed records still the norm (US). Very sad.
They are still very much the norm in New Zealand, too. It is almost impossible to gain access to your adoption records. All that is available is a (so-called) original birth certificate with your mother's name. But even that is not right, as mothers can veto their names.
I’m lucky to be in UK and allowed access to records, though it’s not always made easy for people. Closed records just creates extra layers of unnecessary suffering. Even more ridiculous now we can use dna.
"I always considered my relationship with my adopters changed the evening I told them I had found my mother and how she was killed on her way to meet me. My adoptive father grabbed my only photo of her, tore it in half and threw it across the room. “There is your mother,” he said, pointing to his wife."
Barbara, I've been reading a few of your articles at a time and keep coming back to this section. Are you saying that you found your mother and that she got killed on her way to meet you? I mean I'm reading that but it's placed within the context of the article so matter-of-fact that I am flabbergasted by it. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
And your adoptive father's reaction, omg! I'm sorry that you never met your mom, you were so close. Were you ever able to find another photo of her? I'm heartbroken for you. I know many parent/children don't end up reaching one another at all but you were so close.
Hi there, yes, sadly, I am saying that. She was killed in a plane crash while on her way. My two half-sisters lost their mother that day. I am so blessed to have them both in my life. I wrote about it all in Tree of Strangers. https://www.barbarasumner.nz/tree-of-strangers-book Thank you so much for your kind words. (I hope you keep following this Substack. I thought I might have 12 months' worth of columns in me, but it seems I have a great deal more. I'm finding it very cathartic.
The matter-of-fact comment you made is interesting. I wonder if other adopted people do this—take those huge things that happen to us and process them as if they are normal. (I am told I do this too often) Is this because society normalises the rupture that defines our lives? The lifelong grief so many of us feel is not acknowledged, and so we also minimise it within ourselves.
I totally do this too, like preemptively shrugging off any expression of sympathy. And I’ve felt so annoyed when therapists praised my ‘resilience’ after all the things, which I’m just downplaying.
This is something I have also experienced (the therapist and the preemptive shrugging).
Are we allowed to swear here ?! I now refer to it as “my fucking resilience” 😬
yes!
As someone who was adopted at 9 months old - after being relinquished at just a week old, along with my identical twin brother - I often feel the dominant narrative around adoption misses something essential. Adoption is frequently framed as an "act of love," but I believe we need a broader, more nuanced acknowledgment of what adoption truly involves.
At its core, adoption begins with loss. It's the only life-altering experience so often cloaked in positive language without naming the reality: relinquishment. And for those of us who were relinquished as infants, especially pre-verbal, this isn't just an emotional experience - it’s a somatic and neurological one. It’s a rupture of the most primal bond.
This early separation, especially in the absence of co-regulation or continuity of care, can lead to what many adoptees experience as a form of developmental trauma - what is now more widely understood as Complex PTSD. The term “primal wound” captures this deep, pre-verbal grief and disconnection that many adoptees carry through their lives, often unacknowledged by those around them.
None of this is to diminish the love that may exist in adoptive families, but rather to ask for space to hold both truths: love can be present, and so can deep, unresolved trauma. We do adoptees a disservice when we only tell one side of the story.
That was painful to read yet not surprising.